The Random Exploits of Ishnt & Shadow
By: Shadow the Hedgehog 2099 with inspiration from Ishntknew
Narrator/Disclaimer: The following may have harmful effects on sanity. The following is also completely strange, and as the title would have you assume, random. The following may also contain political satire, risqué humor and peanuts. Please continue to read at your own risk and by having read this disclaimer you agree to NOT flame the author. Thank you.
[Ishnt is standing alone in an open field]
Ishnt: (happily) I am the master of all I survey!
[Awkward pause, a tumble weed rolls by]
Ishnt: … *ahem* I’m going to go survey something more exciting.
[Ishnt walks to Shadow’s house which, just in case you’re wondering, is on the opposite side of the country from him]
Ishnt: Hiya!
Shadow: Don’t you knock? Well, since you’re here, you can help me with my Algebra homework.
Ishnt: Sure! What’s the question?
Shadow: Bob is walking to the park at 5 kilometers per hour over a distance of 32 miles whilst his cousin, Joe, is driving at 75 miles per hour over a distance of 9002 kilometers to the same place. At this current pace at what time will the two cross paths?
Ishnt: Let me try this: Bob and Joe are fictitious people. They never existed in the first place. Next, why should we care about European measurements? We don’t use kilometers. So, the question is therefore pointless—next!
Shadow: Oh, forget it; I’ll come back to it later. Since you’re here anyways, what do you want to do?
Ishnt: Let’s go get some food!
Shadow: Cool. Let’s go.
[The two set off for the local Pizza Hut]
Shadow: We’ll just head for the buffet.
Ishnt: Cool.
[Suddenly, a bunch of men in black jumpsuits rush in, armed with pineapples and grapefruits. One man grabs the girl behind the counter.]
Man 1 [Holding girl]: Anybody moves this pineapple goes down her throat!
Girl: Noooo! That’s not Atkins-approved!
Man 1: Hush!
Girl: Save me!
[Shadow gets up] Shadow: We got to do something!
Ishnt: You’re right. I’m out of soda.
Shadow: No, dummy, I mean save the girl!
Ishnt: Why?
Shadow: ‘cuz we’re supposed to be the good guys here.
Ishnt: But… [Shadow taps foot] I’m comin’, I’m comin’…
Shadow: You! [Shadow heroically points at the man holding the girl, as if there was anybody else he could be referring to during this speech] Release the girl and nobody has to get hurt!
Man 1: How about, NO! Meeeheeheeheehee!
Ishnt: You can’t even do a good evil laugh! It’s “Mwa-ha-ha!”
Man 1: That’s not important! [Points with his free hand at Shadow and Ishnt] Get ‘em!
[The song “Kung-Fu Fighting” blares in the background as Shadow and Ishnt go “Matrix” on the other men in strangely non-heterosexual jumpsuits] Shadow: Next?
Man 1: Erm…gotta go! [The man runs out of the Pizza Hut]
Ishnt: They weren’t very good at being evil. They didn’t even have a good uniform.
Shadow: And what would you have worn whilst committing terrorist acts in a Pizza Hut?
Ishnt: GIANT AFRICAN MASKS! Or at least my street clothes…
Shadow: Stop talking…
[In typical anime style, the Pizza Hut blows up for no real good reason, dropping the two heroes into a deep, dark cave that’s somehow lit by an unseen light source.]
Ishnt: Wow that was random!
Shadow: Yes, hence the title. [Shadow looks around] So, I guess we ought to find a way out of here now.
[After a few minutes of walking…]
Ishnt: I wonder why people were dumb enough to build a restaurant overtop a cave system to begin with?
Shadow: I blame construction companies, personally.
[Suddenly an anime girl was found deep in the caves in a yellow miner’s garb, hat and gloves with the Mett’s green cross on the helmet, and a pick ax in her hand. True to anime form, she has large feminine endowments but absolutely no stomach.]
Girl: Howdy! I’m Haul!
Shadow: Copyright senses… tingling…
Ishnt: I’m Ishntknew and this is Shadow. What are you doing down here, anyways?
Haul: I help people escape from the city!
Shadow: Aww, heck, we can do that with a piece of a helicopter and 3 minutes.
Ishnt: Anyways, can you lead us out of here?
Haul: Sure! Follow me then!
Shadow: (To Ishnt) I don’t know… should we trust her? We are all alone in a dark, smelly cave system with her being the only one armed…
Ishnt: (To Shadow) Why not? Since when have you known someone nice and friendly to betray someone and try to kill them?
Shadow: Only since… hey! Don’t try to change the subject. For all we know she could be a pick-ax murderer!
Ishnt: “Pick-ax murderer”?
Shadow: I know what I mean…
Haul: Y’all comin’ or what?!
Ishnt: Yeah, let’s go. [Shadow shrugs] At least I can be re-built.
Shadow: (arse fez…)
[Time rolls on by until they stumble into a castle-like corridor]
Shadow: Oh yeah, brilliant plan, Ishnt.
Haul: I don’t remember this bein’ here…
Ishnt: This place feels somehow familiar…
Shadow: Shh! Someone’s coming! Quick! Press up against the wall!
Ishnt: Like that’s gonna help! There’s no where to…--
[Shadow sidles against the wall and brings Haul and Ishnt with him. A crazy blonde girl blindly rushes past and into a room.]
Ishnt: Holy hell! How did she just run past and not see us?!
Shadow: Clearly you’ve never played “Boktai”.
Ishnt: I think I recognized her… let’s go see who or what’s in that room there!
[They all look into the room where a tall man with small glasses and long, white hair sits on a massive throne-like chair, speaking to a blonde girl and some girl with purple hair]
Shadow: Is that…
Ishnt: Il Palazzo?!
Haul: Shh, let’s listen…
Ilpy: You two do understand how important ACROSS’ mission is, don’t you? We must be steady and constant or the ignorant masses will fall behind…
Shadow: (whispering) This doesn’t really concern us. I say we book it.
Ishnt: (whispering back) But this is too cool!!!
Blonde girl: Ehh~ [Notices Ishnt, Shadow and Haul] AHA! Spies!
Purple-haired girl: Senior Excel, what do we do with spies?
Blonde girl (Excel): We… uhh… we kill them and… [Excel’s stomach growls] EAT THEM!
Ishnt: RUN!!! [The three take off into a mad dash with Excel hot on their trail] We are so royally screwed…
Shadow: Maybe not! If we can satisfy her hunger… we can still live!
Ishnt: You got a plan?
[Shadow swings his arm over his shoulder and pops Haul in the knee, causing her to stumble back in surprise, allowing just enough time for Excel to tackle her and begin eating her]
Shadow: QUICK! SHE’S DISTRACTED!!!
[Ishnt and Shadow make a clean get-a-way and find a convenient staircase back to the surface]
Shadow: Wow that sure was strange. But now what are we supposed to do?
Ishnt: Well, I guess we could go find something to do… [Suddenly a massive thing blares through earth’s atmosphere and lands right next to the heroes, hurling them back into one of the sides of the newly-made crater] Yeah, that’ll due.
[Shadow lifts up a strange fishbowl-thing and inside of it is a purple skull, wavering around] Shadow: I’ve never seen anything like it before; except for the time I was playing MegaMan 8, of course.
Ishnt: But we all know if it happened in a video game, whatever the consequences were would happen exactly the same way in real life… Right?
Shadow: Duh. [The Skull looks as if it attempts to bite at them] Aww, how cute! Lookit da’ evil mass of energy tryin’ to bite us! Koochi-koochi-koo!!!
Ishnt: Yeah, that’s a real cutie. Let’s go show it off!
Shadow: Okay! [The two idiots set off with their new “mass-of-evil-energy-in-a-fish-bowl™” and find Sonic the Hedgehog idly standing around] Hey! Sonic! Take a look at this! Isn’t it cool?!
Sonic: Ooo! It’s kinda cute! [Pokes the fish bowl] Aww! It tried to bite me through the glass! How cute!
Ishnt: That’s what we said! [Beams proudly]
Sonic: So, which of you wears the pants in this house?
Shadow & Ishnt: (simultaneously) What?
Sonic: Never mind. So, what’cha gonna name him?
Shadow: I was thinking “Evil gelatinous blob of death”. Or “Glooby” for short.
Ishnt: I was thinking something more like “Bob”
Sonic: Glooby it is!
Ishnt: H-hey! [The bowl suddenly shoots from Shadow’s hand and crashes wide open, releasing the purple cloud of evil] Whoa, they sure grow up fast, huh?
Sonic: Wow, he looks hungry. What does he eat?
Shadow: We’re not honestly sure. I was just gonna feed Ishnt to him.
Ishnt: HEY!!!
Glooby: Shmee-so-naka-no-la-ta!
Sonic: Erm… what’s that mean?
Shadow: Did he just say something about a “Yuji Naka’s naked latte”?
Ishnt: According to my translators, it’s “Zorkdavian”
Shadow: It’s what?
Ishnt: Zorkdavia was a peaceful planet where their language was totally based off English-like gibberish. They got that way because some NASA people ate some really funky guacamole and spontaneously generated a new language on the spot. It was pretty amazing, frankly. They crash-landed on a planet fairly far from the Milky Way galaxy and sent us reality TV shows and that awful “Gigli” movie.
Sonic: Great, but whatever happened to them?
Ishnt: Well, no one knows. All we do know is that the planet Zorkdavia ended up covered in an eternal purple fog with similar energy levels as concentrated evil. Sadly, the transmission of reality TV was never cut off, so we still suffer from it. Anyways, I know normal, rationally-thinking human beings might assume that Glooby be part of the evil cloud phenomena but the three of us should blindly overlook that fact until it becomes blaringly obvious and far too late.
Sonic & Shadow: Okay.
Glooby: Moo!
Ishnt: That can be a lot of things, depending on context, but I think in this case it’s a phrase of annoyance, kind of like “Hey!” or “Yo!”
[Glooby forms hand-like things and grabs Sonic, then eats him]
Shadow: Oh my God! It killed Sonic!
Ishnt: You ba—hey, wait, that’s not your line.
Shadow: Oh, right. Glooby must be part of the evil dark cloud phenomena!
Ishnt: No! Still too soon! We must say something more like “Hey! Why’d you do that?” or “I wonder why it just viciously assaulted our friend?”
Shadow: ‘Kay. “I wonder why it just viciously assaulted our friend?”
Glooby: Menoohto!
Ishnt: That’s strange. I think that means something like “I am a hamster”…
Glooby: (elaborating) MEH-NOH-OH-TOH!
Ishnt: OH! That’s different. That’s more like “I bring death to you all!”
Shadow: Wait… “I’m a hamster” and “I bring death to you all” is only a two-syllable difference?
Ishnt: As you could probably imagine, Zorkdavia often found itself in many awkward situations—especially during the mating seasons.
Glooby: BREAD!!!
Shadow: Eh…?
Ishnt: Basically “Screw you, I’m going to eat you and conquer your planet and watch really bad B-movies until my eyes bleed and I can’t stand up due to gluttony on your supple planet’s resources and pass out,”
Shadow: Those Zorkdavian fellows really had fun with their contractions, huh?
Ishnt: You haven’t even gotten to the fun part yet… [Glooby swoops down and tries to eat Shadow and Ishnt, so they run away] Wait! We should run with far more style than this!
Shadow: You mean-- *gasp*
Ishnt: Yes! We shall run… in 8-BIT STYLE!!! [The original Mario Brothers theme plays as Shadow and Ishnt suddenly look like 2-D game sprites from the “Donkey Kong” era as they run away from a big purple blob with a face]
[Time passes as both of them turn back to their normal full 3-D rendered 512-bit styles] Shadow: (panting) That was fun. But now what do we do?
Ishnt: We should probably be seriously considering how we intend to survive this part of the story—as it won’t be very impressive if we die before the end!
Shadow: Granted. Suggestions?
Ishnt: Got milk? Or a giant death ray would work just as well.
Shadow: Nah, my milk went bad yesterday. However, giant death ray I can do.
[Ishnt and Shadow lure Glooby towards a massive building that they rush into] Ishnt: Doctor Eggman!
Eggman: What? What? Can’t you two see I’m busy doing nothing? Okay, now, what do you want?
Shadow: There’s an evil blob of… evil chasing us!
Eggman: Oh! Fascinating! Tell me more!
Ishnt:… Uhh… it speaks Zorkdavian…
Eggman: Is that all you two know or did you get me excited over nothing?
[Shadow and Ishnt exchange looks, then turn back to Eggman] Shadow: It ate Sonic.
Eggman: Oh! Now that is interesting! Excellent! I shall keep it as a pet and name him Schnookems!
Shadow: (Not amused) His name is “Glooby” and he wants to kill us all!
Eggman: Hmm… that does present a problem, but I think I have something conveniently lying around just for such an occasion!
Ishnt: How very “Saturday-morning-ish” of you, Doctor.
Eggman: Here we go! [Magically pulls out a massive laser beam far too big to ever have fit in his hands, but he somehow sets it up and aims it at Glooby] Eat laserous-explosions, monster!
Shadow: Copyright senses… STILL tingling!
Ishnt: Yeah! Nuke ‘em, doc! [A massive blast flies from the tip of the gun and hits Glooby, and all that’s left is Sonic, now mysteriously covered in a purple aura of evil energy] Awright! Sonic’s okay!
[The three go down to check on Sonic’s condition] Shadow: Hey, Sonic, you okay?
Eggman: (Not really caring) Oh! He’s dead… oh well, too bad, so sad!
[Sonic slowly rises from the ground] Sonic: Nah, I’m fine. If not suddenly a bit power-hungry and destruction-focused, but other than that I’m cool.
Ishnt: Okay, that’s good.
Sonic: I’m going to go kill some innocent people now, see you guys later.
Eggman: Oh, okay. Later.
Shadow: That’s odd, my spine just spontaneously coiled then unfurled. Maybe something is wrong?
Ishnt: What could possibly be wrong? Let’s go watch a movie.
[Later, Eggman, Ishnt and Shadow are watching the new movie “Aboard the Ark” whilst enjoying a very large tub of popcorn when the phone rings, Ishnt answers it]
Ishnt: Robotnik residence, Badnik-in-chef speaking! Hmm… uh-huh. Sonic destroying downtown Station Square. Yeah, yeah. Countless injured, oh? That’s too bad. Police unable to stop him with VX nerve gas? Hmm… well, that Sonic can be a handful… Have you guys tried nuking him yet? What? What about civilians? Who cares? Fry ‘em all!
Shadow: Maybe weought to go check it out.
Eggman: Right! … Right after this scene.
(Movie) Sonic: Duh, I’z a stupid hedgehog. Eggman: I win! *shoots Sonic, everybody laughs like those generic endings where there’s nothing better to do*
Eggman: Man, I love this movie!
Shadow: Cool. Let’s go see what Sonic’s doing.
Ishnt: Meh… fine…
[The three leave their comfy couch and head to downtown Station Square on Eggman’s Egg-o-matic hovercraft, where they find Sonic poking a dead bird with a stick] Shadow: *gasps* This evil must end! [Shadow dramatically leaps off the hovercraft, only to slam into the pavement, sending blood all over the place before standing up and shaking it off as if it were nothing] Sonic! You’re evil corpse-poking days are numbered!
Sonic: … shouldn’t that fall’ve killed ya?
Shadow: You can shake ANYTHING off in Sonic Battle, if given the proper amount of time!
Sonic: You forget! In Sonic Battle your opponent always hits harder than you, has 10 times the amount of life you do, charges up their special far faster than you do and can lock you in a combo indefinitely at will!
Shadow: Curses! I forgot all that!
Sonic: That’s what you get for playing newer systems!!! Mwa ha! Pie!
Shadow: I’ll just do like I always do and use my standard attack over and over and over whilst standing with my back to a wall so that the computer will be so dumb as to rush into my combo over and over to death!
Sonic: Nooooo! My ultimate weakness! I just see my opponent and I can’t help but to run right into their on-coming attacks and only block them if they’d be the helpful one-hit-KO’s!!!
Eggman: (above them) Wow, you don’t think the author just might be a little bitter about the gameplay in Sonic Battle, do you?
Ishnt: (insulted) You should see the storyline in that game!!!
Sonic: Time to fall over you stupid farty-face! [Strikes a not-really-that-dramatic, dramatic pose]
Shadow: Well I will knock you down! [Does the “Viewtiful Joe” pose before they both run forward and begin wussy-slapping each other as if watching a Jigglypuff battle Pichu in Super Smash Brothers Melee]
Ishnt: Wow! This has got to be the least-climatic fight ever!
Eggman: Go whoever will cause me the fewest problems whilst dominating the world!
[Sonic hits Shadow] Shadow: Humph! I’m the coolest!
[Shadow hits Sonic] Sonic: Hey! You’re gay!
Ishnt: YO!!! [Leaps down into the fray] Hold up!
Sonic: What?
Shadow: Kill the umpire!
Ishnt: You can’t say things like that, Sonic, you’ll get the author flamed in the EE-forums!
Sonic: But why?
Ishnt: That’s a discriminatory comment, which can only be ended by a Johnny Cochran-type lawyer where the author will inevitably lose because he doesn’t have 3-million dollars just lying around for a good defense attorney.
Sonic: But since when has it been socially unacceptable to bash homos?
Ishnt: Uhh… [Thinks] Touché.
Shadow: Besides, remember the disclaimer on page 1? They can’t legally sue us.
Ishnt: Oh, that’s true. Well, have fun killing each other [Calmly walks to a hotdog stand and orders some food]
[Shadow finally knocks Sonic down] Sonic: Nooooo~!!! Shoot~…
Shadow: I told you, I’m the coolest! [Suddenly, Sonic is locked in a coffin]
Sonic: HEY!!! WTF?!
Shadow: This is where the second round begins! [Shadow holds his hand over his head as a massive, green circle-thing appears; with four large machines facing towards the coffin arise around it.]
Ishnt: Eh…?
Shadow: This, for the Konami-illiterate, is the Pile Driver. It’s a magic machine that is for the prompt use to incinerate evil energies from the likes of vampires, werewolves, insurance salesmen and telemarketers. All I need is for the sun to shine and we can roast ‘em. [Looks up] Okay, sweet. We’re ready then.
Ishnt: Okay then. How do we work it?
Shadow: (At the top of his lungs) TAIYOH!!! [Ishnt and Eggman suffer heart attacks whilst everything dims and a battle begins with a giant, dark-purple, ethereal Sonic appears from the coffin]
Evil Sonic: IT’S HOT!
Shadow: No duh! Moron, that’s the point! [Sonic attempts to leave the coffin but Shadow strikes him and knocks him back in it] Eat UV-radiation, mofo!
Evil Sonic: IT’S HOT!
Shadow: Uhh… yeah… [Has to keep repeating the process for a while]
Evil Sonic: IT’S HOT! IT’S HOT! IT’S HOT! IT’S HOT!
Shadow: (screaming) CURSE YOU KONAMI! WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS MAKE THEM YELL SOMETHING ELSE FOR ONCE?! [Evil Sonic’s evil bar is now empty, thus he lost the Pile Driver battle. A huge sign declaring “PURIFICATION COMPLETE” pops down] Hey! Who knew? I won!
Ishnt: (Recovering gradually) Yay…?
Eggman: [Sits up slowly] Is Sonic still in there?
[Shadow peeks into the coffin] Shadow: Eh… I guess I used too much juice… [Pulls out a little pile of ashes] Maybe WAY too much juice? [Drops them] Oh well, ashes-to-dust and all that good stuff. Let’s go order a pizza.
Ishnt & Eggman: W00T. [Time passes as they eat the pizza as well, then Eggman, Ishnt and Shadow set off]
Ishnt: That was fun, now what shall we do?
Shadow: Let’s just walk around; we’re bound to walk into something exciting eventually!
[The three walk off together and eventually find a beach with a shining blue ocean]
Eggman: Oh-ho! This beach would be perfect for a base!
Shadow: I guess. Let’s go find something interesting then. [They walk along the beach for some time and they get to talking.]
Ishnt: Hey, Shadow. I’ve always kind of wondered… what is it like to use the chaos energies?
Shadow: Oh, well, it’s okay, I guess. I feel the dark energy rush through my fingertips and through my body and the rush—oh the rush!—it feels better than anything and I desire more and more and the power, oh God, the POWER running through my arms and I can manipulate time and space and I feel ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!! ... [Shadow’s eyes shimmer yellow and Ishnt and Eggman stare, blankly. A moment passes and Shadow’s eyes return to their normal crimson hue] But it often gives me constipation, that’s the main drawback.
Ishnt: That’s… great… *sigh*, I’m bored. [They come across a giant, dark, spooky mansion on the shore] … yes, this works well enough.
Shadow: *Yawns* It appears to be a generic haunted house level. So let’s do what video game characters do best and…
Eggman: Wander in and get locked in and then panic?
Shadow: Naturally.
Ishnt: Let’s go then. [The three walk in and the door slams shut behind them and locks itself]
Shadow: *Yawns again* Okay, let’s wander in aimlessly then split up at the most inopportune time.
Eggman: Yosh!
Ishnt: Sounds normal to me. [The three look around at the dusty, unkempt house and a few minutes and rooms pass] … Mario?... MARIO!
Eggman: Don’t do that.
Ishnt: Sorry.
Shadow: [Notices a big oak door] (unenthusiastically) And this must be a door that leads onward into a no-doubt terrifying scene with some of the most generic creatures from ancient mythology, ALA Zombies, vampires, giant animals, etc…
Ishnt: Well, let’s go. [They open the door and see the PowerPuff Girls eating prunes] OH DEAR GOD! IT’S WORSE THAN ANY NIGHTMARE EVER! RUUUUUUN!!!
[The three knock down walls in their mad escape from the haunted house, screaming bloody murder]
Eggman: BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!!!
[They all stop, back again on the beach, panting]
Shadow: That was awful! I almost felt my heart stop! [Recomposes himself] Well, since we’re on this beach, let’s go check out if there are any chicks here!
Ishnt: Okay then!
[Conveniently disregarding the haunted mansion, they set across the sandy shore for hours on end, finding no one. Meanwhile, the scene switches to some fifteen feet away where a man and a woman are seen talking]
Man: But you see, Jane, the man you saw that day was actually my twin brother’s cousin’s dog’s nephew’s twin sister’s niece! Not me! He’s trying to get you to lower your guard so he can murder you like he has to seven other women prior to you but for some reason the federal authorities have never even made any vague attempt to stop him!
Woman: What are you talking about? I don’t even know you; I just asked you what time it was—and my name’s Barbra! And… wouldn’t that make the man a girl if he was someone’s niece…???
[Shadow, Ishnt and Eggman walk by and shove them both into the tide]
Eggman: That felt good.
Ishnt: Yes. [Beams with pride]
Shadow: This is just sad; we have to reduce ourselves to soap opera-mockery in order to continue with some humor.
Ishnt: But didn’t it feel good?
Shadow: I guess, but I’d much rather have made fun of those annoying infomercials about losing weight where the “Before” and “After” pics are actually in reverse order in actuality because they got real body builders to lose weight and pose for them.
Eggman: Yosh! I knew it! I knew it! Now we can sue them!
Ishnt: I wouldn’t bother; everyone knows they’re full of crap.
[Out of no where, one young, foolish gamer was calmly playing Mario 64 DS when suddenly, just as he had obtained the 99th coin in his 50th attempt to get 100 coins in “Tick-Tock Clock”, he is suddenly hurled off one of the platforms by an indestructible little monster with a platform in front of it. The exact projection of the shot is just so perfect that the mustached hero plummets into the nearly-completely-closed hole at the VERY BOTTOM of the level. When this happens, the young player’s mind spontaneously snaps from reality and he goes into a berserker-frenzy unmatched since the writing of the book of Revelation and chants the ancient language of the 8-bit programmers from the “ET” NES cartridge and disrupts reality. This particular event just so happens to cosmically align itself with the exact location of our heroes and annihilates their universe and hurls them into the strange limbo of the space-time continuum where there are randomly hurled into parallel universes at the same time and place in the multi-verse. Skip a couple million years of impossible-to-have-occurred kabooms, and we have our cop-out ending and the ominous opening of the sequel when evil forces threaten video games and anime! See you next time!]
To be continued…