Eggman... on ICE!!!
A triple team production by:
THE
TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma"
(GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
http://www.triplepeeps.com/
Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, SNK, Capcom, Squaresoft, Disney, Arc System Works, Sammy, the people and companies behind the movie Grease, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.
CMA: We highly recommend you read all our other fics (most importantly Cronies and Eggman Adventures) before reading this. Things will make... SLIGHTLY more sense. Not a lot, though... Also, we'd like to give out some special thanks to David Hackman (Majere/Supa Fly) for some very influential ideas he contributed to this fic.
Judge Neusy: Wanna hear some of our fics voice acted? Visit www.instantsonic.tk to hear Instant Sonic's voice acted takes on our stories.
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14 days remain...
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COMMERCIAL
Eggman: Hello, good people, I am Dr. Eggman! And I want you to come to THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH! Better than that whore Jamie Salle and that pussy-whipped David Pelletier! This is EGGMAN... ON ICE!!!
[Cut away to a clip from the show. Eggman is skating around in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt. Some hot female backup skaters are skating around too.]
Eggman: ♪♫ I am Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ He is Dr. Eggman! ♪♫
Eggman: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Backup Skaters: ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫
Eggman [singing really fast]: ♪♫ DOCTORIVOROBOTNIKAKADOCTOR EGGMAN!!! ♪♫
[Back to the commercial]
Eggman: There's going to be lots of gliding across the ice, skating into the air, and so forth. With a special appearance from whoever the hell Knuckles's rap crew is!
[Cut away to a clip from the show. Knuckles's rap crew, dressed in baggy jeans, suggestive shirts, and baseball caps with Knuckles-style plastic dreads are skating and singing.]
Rap Band: ♪♫ Yo Yo Yo, we're the fighting freak Knuckles, and we on ICE! ♪♫
[Back to the commercial]
Eggman: If you want to see more if this, you're going to have to BEG! See EGGMAN... ON ICE!!! Coming soon to a fanfic near you! [shakes head in disgust] I think I've lost my touch. I hate advertising, now.
Announcer [catchy jingle]: ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
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[Tails's house, where The Cronies are watching TV and have just seen the preceding commercial.]
Amy [confused look]: What's a... "fanned fic?"
Sonic [angry]: Stupid bitch, shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch [sees Eggman on the screen] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE I LOOK!?
Shadow: What are you talking about? The commercial's over and we're back to Bambi!
Tails [genuinely confused]: We were watching Bambi?
Knuckles [scratching his head]: Why is my rap crew there?
Rouge [losing it]: WHY IS EVERYONE ASKING QUESTIONS?
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[Meanwhile, in Japan, at the Daidouji residence (MANSION more like it), Sakura, Tomoyo, Shaoron, and Meilin have also just seen the Eggman on Ice commercial.]
Shaoron [after a moment of silence]: ... You know, Sakura, we're going to be invited to that.
Sakura: I bet that Eggman-kun's already sent the invitations express to our houses.
Tomoyo [death glare at the TV]: I still don't like you, Eggy-chan...
[Suddenly, Eriol magically appears in front of the refrigerator and grabs a carton of milk.]
Eriol: I hope you don't mind, but I'm out of milk and I have no money.
Shaoron [angry]: GET THE HELL OUT!
Eriol: I'm gone. [magically disappears]
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[Southtown. Geese Tower, 60th floor. Geese is relaxing tonight, watching TV with... Terry Bogard? Hey, it could happen!]
Geese [kinda confused]: Eggman on Ice? I MUST see this show and maintain my highly cultured reputation! [to Terry] Hey, Bogard! Get some mo' beer!
Terry [annoyed]: The beer is on the 49th floor! YOU get it!
Geese [suddenly stands up and breaks a table]: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
[Terry and Geese suddenly start fighting to the death, tossing about Power Geysers and Raging Storms like nobody's business.]
Geese [with Terry in headlock]: A moment, Terry. [calls out] HEY ROCK! WANNA GO SEE AN ICE SHOW?
Rock [from outside the room; by the way, this is teenage Rock, and we don't care if it doesn't make sense]: NO!!!
Geese: WELL TOUGH SHIT, PUNK, YOU'RE GOING ANYWAY!
Rock [from outside the room]: SOMETIMES I HATE YOU!!!
Geese: AND BRING THAT BLUE-HAIRED CUTE GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS, TOO!!! [to Terry, who's still in a headlock] I tell you, kids these days--
Terry: Can you let go of me--
Geese [subtly interrupting]: No.
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[Jam's restaurant. It's closed and the only people there right now are Jam and Ky, and they just saw the Eggman on Ice commercial.]
Ky [blushing because he likes Jam but is shy]: Eggman? He used to serve in the Order. He holds the mythical blade Egg-seal.
Jam [likes Ky, but doesn't hide it, causing him to blush further]: You know Eggman? He visits the restaurant when he's in town.
Ky: That doesn't surprise me. Eggman seems to know everyone in existence.
Jam [getting excited]: Aiya! Think we'll get invites?
Ky [sipping his drink]: I think so.
Random Person A [suddenly appears; loud voice (read Cronies)]: WOW, THIS PLACE IS SO TASTY! AND YOU TWO MAKE SUCH A LOVELY COUPLE!
[Blood starts trickling from Ky's nose and he slowly passes out.]
Jam [to Random Person A]: I THINK SO TOO!!!
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[Pop-Star. Kirby's yellow house. Kirby is trying to relax, but Meta Knight's goons are staying there and they won't leave for some reason.]
Kirby [annoyed]: Why aren't you people leaving yet!?
Meta-Axe [very bad mix of French and English accents]: Frankly, Kirby, your TV has my favorite Pay-TV channels available! Refer!
Meta-Chain [very bad mix of Russian and German accents; holding a marigold]: I think I've invented a new half-breed plant, a mix of da roses an' tulips! I call it a Rulip!
Kirby: That isn't a rose NOR a tulip! That's a marigold! One of MY marigolds!
Meta-Chain: YOU CANNOT PROVE IT IS YOURS!
Meta-Lance [very bad Australian accent]: Actually, mate, I saw you stealing Kirby's marigolds! In fact, he saw you stealing it as well!
Meta-Chain [angry; lunges at Meta-Lance]: I DO NOT LIKE YOU!!! [strangling Meta-Lance with chain]
[Suddenly, Eggman's Eggman on Ice commercial comes on. Kirby and Meta Knight's goons see it.]
Kirby: Good. Eggman will probably invite me, and then I can get the hell away from [points] all of YOU!!! In fact, let's end this right now! [pulls out the cellphone Eggman left him; dials up Meta Knight] Meta Knight!? Get your damn goons out of my house!
Meta Knight [standing behind Kirby]: Goons in the what now?
Kirby [jumps; turns around]: Ah! Why are you here!?
Meta Knight [as he speaks, a Spanish guitar riff like thing plays, like in Kirby Super Star]: Honestly, I'm just really bored. Eggman destroyed my ship, so I can't try taking over Dream Land anytime soon. And King Dedede hasn't hired me for anything lately. [Changes topic; music stops] Anyway, have you seen that Kirby anime? You're, like, a pansy in that!
Kirby [shaking head]: Don't even mention it.
Meta-Chain: Dah, and the boss sounds like me!
Meta Knight: Yeah, what's up with that?
Kirby: Weird...
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[Eggman's Pad. Eggman is sealing invitations into Eggman-face-shaped-sealed envelopes.]
Eggman: Hmmm... who am I inviting? I need performers, so, Sonic and company, along with some others will get special "backstage passes," hehehe... Hmmm... being popular amongst the youth of Southtown would be nice... And who can forget Davis Motomiya and his sexy sister! Oh, and... [keeps talking]
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10 days remain...
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[Some time passes since the commercial, and various people are invited to see the premier of Eggman on Ice. Many are invited. Let's take a look at some of their reactions...]
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[Bowser's palace. Bowser is opening up an envelope with an Eggman-face-shaped seal.]
Bowser [pulls out the invite inside]: Eggman on Ice, eh? You old dog, you finally went through with it! And that means... [angry] I owe you five bucks, you fat bastard. Well, I'm off! [to Mario] YOU STILL HERE? I'M LEAVING, HAVE FUN!
Mario [trying desperately to reach Peach, who's tied up over a pit of lava]: What? You can't-a leave yet! I can't-a reach her-- [falls over trying to reach Peach] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH--
[Did Mario make it? Eh, we'll find out later!]
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[ACROSS secret headquarters below the city of F. Il Palazzo is sitting on his throne, bored out of his freaking mind.]
Il Palazzo [sighing]: I need a pick me up.
Excel [running into the room; speaking at approximately 180 words/minute]: YourmightyrulinessIlPalazzo! Excelbringsyouaninvitationofgreatimportance!
Il Palazzo: Give me that. [takes the Eggman-sealed envelope from Excel] Oh, and, Excel? You're dismissed. [pulls on the rope that opens the trap door that sends Excel plummeting to a watery hell below]
Excel [voice fading]: THANKYOUlordIlPalazzo... [splash noise]
Il Palazzo [reading]: Hmm, let's see... EGGMAN ON ICE!? That fat bastard, he won the bet! Hmm, who shall I bring with me? I think... Hyatt. But if I bring Hyatt, I somehow have to bring along Excel. But if I bring Excel, she'll bring Agent Menchi, whom Eggman might make a robot out of... I think I'll bring... [points] YOU.
Pedro [somehow there]: PEDRO DOES NOT KNOW WHY HE IS HERE!
Il Palazzo: Whatever, get ready.
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[Meanwhile, on a Japanese city street, Akuma is standing on a not too busy street corner, reading his Eggman-envelope invitation.]
Akuma [low, breathless voice]: So, this is the path you took, Eggman. I remember you from... high school. I was a social recluse, and you taught me how to open up. Then, I made a friend. But, then, I killed that friend. And killed my brother. ... I think I'll go to Eggman on Ice, at least to say hello.
Batsu [loud, obnoxious voice; pointing at Akuma]: HEY, YOU! AKUMA! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A STREET FIGHT!!! IT'S ME@KICKINGYOURASS.COM, BABY!!! YEAH, BURNAGE!!!
Akuma [confused and irritated]: Burnage?
[Two full seconds later...]
[Akuma is walking away, leaving a bloody, bruised, beat-up Batsu convulsing on the ground.]
Batsu [still loud and annoying for some reason]: WOW, THAT WAS SO COOL!
Kyosuke [walks by, kneels by the broken Batsu]: My friend, you MUST stop these random challenges! You're running out of blood, and I don't know how much Hinata can keep giving you!
Batsu [on his knees; slowly getting up]: PISH-POSH! I'M AS YOUNG AS I'LL EVER BE, CUZ!
Kyosuke: What does that even mean!?
Batsu: WHO CARES!? [points to a blonde chick] HEY, YOU!!! CHALLENGE ME, YOU FAT ASS WHORE!!!
Samus [the blonde chick]: Boy, you should REALLY listen to your friend.
[ANOTHER two full seconds later...]
[Batsu is hanging off a tree branch by the elastic of his boxers. His boxers are the only clothing he has left; the rest was hideously destroyed.]
Kyosuke [trying to get him down]: I pity you, Batsu. She didn't even have her armor on.
Captain Falcon [walking by]: Heh heh heh, you called Samus a whore, didn't you? And it looks like you were fighting Akuma before that! Heh, you disrespectful youth these days! I love it! [sees Samus walking off] HEY, HOT ASS, WAIT UP!!!
Batsu [dazed]: Wha... huh... muh...?
Captain Falcon [catching up to Samus]: Hey, babe-face! [flashes his two Eggman on Ice tickets] What say we take in this ice show so we can make out like hot animal squirrels? [gets punched; re-aligns his jaw] C'mon! I'll keep the ass-grabbing to a, um, maximum! [sly voice] Be unique and different; just say YES!
[Yet ANOTHER two full seconds later...]
[Captain Falcon is embedded in the same tree Batsu's still in.]
Samus [flashes her own two Eggman on Ice tickets]: Falcon, I'll trust I WON'T see you there. [to Kyosuke] Hey, kid, you seem polite enough. Want to see this ice show with me?
Batsu [still on tree]: You won't leave me, right, cousin o' mine? [sees Kyosuke already by Samus] Oooh...
Captain Falcon: Man, what a woman! I can tell she totally wants to have mad passionate sex with me!
Batsu: Hinata won't give me some...
Captain Falcon: Won't give you some, eh? Hmmm... [starts rubbing chin in thought]
[What's Captain Falcon thinking? Maybe you'll see... later...]
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[Inside Sephiroth: Tailor of Death...]
Cloud [walks in]: Sephiroth? Aren't you dead?
Sephiroth [concentrating on sewing]: Nope.
Aeris: Hi, there! Would you like a hot dog?
Cloud [all sentimental; near tears]: Aeris? I thought you were dead! We all missed you! Tifa and Yuffie the most, for some reason!
Aeris [poking Sephiroth's face]: Well, Cloud, after we died, Sephy wasn't crazy as much, and took our souls to... wherever here is! Isn't that right, Sephy?
Sephy [brushing away Aeris's finger]: Aeris, not in front of Cloud the Cross-Dresser!
Aeris: Cloud, you wanna come with Sephy 'n' me to Eggman on Ice?
Cloud: Did you say Eggman? I owe that guy one! Let's go!
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[Roy (from Super Smash Bros. Melee) is taking pictures (with his handy travel camera) of the Southtown park.]
Roy [fascinated voice]: Wow, what magnificent oaks! The splendor of nature--.
Geese [walks by, along with Terry, Rock, and Hotaru]: ROY!!! You devil, where've you been?
Roy [confused]: Where have I been? Who might you be, good sir?
Geese [chuckles]: Heh, heh, always the joker, eh, Roy? [gives Roy a hug; pats Roy's back and secretly takes five dollars from him]
Roy [still looking confused]: Um, did you just take five dollars from me?
Geese [suddenly serious]: I own that tree.
Roy [turns around; sees "Geese's Tree" badly scribbled on the oak]: Oh. Fair enough.
Geese: Anyway, I got a shit load of Eggman on Ice tickets! Whaddaya say, Roy ol' boy? For ol' times sake?
Roy [still confused]: Um, I GUESS it's alright, but I have an Eggman on Ice ticket already, and I still don't know you--
Rock [offers his ticket to Roy]: You can have ANOTHER ticket--
Geese: ROCK! [slaps Rock in the back of the head] You're going with us so you won't skip school anymore!
Rock [freaking out]: I DON'T SKIP SCHOOL! I GET STRAIGHT A'S ALL THE TIME! I'M THE SMARTEST, MOST ATHLETIC STUDENT IN THIS TOWN! I'M A MODEL YOUNG PERSON! WHY DO YOU HATE ME?
Geese: Wait, you're right! Well, it's for ME skipping school then! AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! I'M A BUM ON THE STREET!
Rock [losing it]: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU OWN THIS CITY! ALL OF IT! EVEN THE SQUIRRELS!
Geese [thinking]: Hey, you're right! After I skipped school, I bought this two-bit town and killed some Bogard guy!
Terry [sad]: THAT WAS MY DAD!
Geese [blowing it off]: Oh, go on to the arcade and challenge some kids!
Terry [near tears]: THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I LIVE! [runs off crying]
Hotaru [shy, timid voice]: Um, Mr. Howard? ... You're evil.
Geese [hearty laugh; pats Hotaru's head]: HA HA HA, you'll make a fine mother for my son's children!
Rock [wide-eyed; three shades of red]: DAD!!!
Roy [to himself]: Even with all this information leaking out, I still have no clue who these people are! [happy] But they seem quirky! I'll tag along for now!
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[Gedo High School...]
[Akira pulls out a few envelopes from her bag. She's visiting Gedo and grabbed her mail in a hurry. Amongst the envelopes is one with Eggman's face insignia on it.]
Akira [gasps]: Eggman? It's been so long! [holds envelope to her chest] I still remember when he used to baby-sit me! Sure, he always tried to take over the world, but he was so nice on the inside! ... He made me cookies!
Edge: Cookies in the what, now?
Akira: Oh, Edge! How's things?
Edge [shrugging, but also trying to impress Akira, who he's madly in love with]: How am I to know? I'm just a knife wielding maniac! [realizes what he just said and slaps his forehead] DAMMIT!!!
Gan: And I'm just overweight and under-liked!
Akira: Um, anyway, I came to see how things are here, but I think... [reviews the Eggman invite] ...I'm going to America for a while to see the premier of Eggman on Ice!
Edge [eyes light up]: Eggman!? DOCTOR Eggman!? Wow!!! I idolize that egg-man!!! How many tickets did you get!? Can I come, too?
Gan: I also idolize Eggman, the same way my good friends Sakura (Kinomoto) and Shaoron (Li) idolize Yukito! [waves] HI YUKITO!
Yukito [ALSO visiting Gedo; happy and cheery; charms all three of them]: Hi, Gan!
Gan [giggling]: Hehe, he said "hi" to me!
Akira [slightly dazed]: He's very charming, isn't he?
Edge [ditto]: He's pretty handsome for a dude! [does his "Edge laugh," then realized what he said] DAMMIT!!! EDGE, DON'T YOU EVER LEARN!?
Akira: Learn what, Edge?
Edge [blushing]: Um, nothing...
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[Inferia. Farah's house. She just opened her talking Eggman on Ice invitation (hers is the only one that talks, by the way)]
Invite [Eggman's voice; speaking quickly]: Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah come to Eggman on Ice Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah you're living a lie Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah Reid should fuck you Farah Farah Farah Farah--
[At this point, Farah uses her Maximum Force (Hyper Triple Chi) in an attempt to destroy the invite. She takes out half of her house. The invite survives, and is still talking.]
Invite: Farah Farah Farah Farah Farah bring Reid and some friends Farah Farah Farah Farah am I annoying you Farah Farah Farah Farah--
[Farah steps on the invite, which prompts it to say "NO!" in Eggman's voice before its voice mechanism fails.]
Farah [eerily happy]: I'm going to go see Eggman on Ice! Then, I am going to KILL Eggman! I'll put him... ON ICE!!! [starts laughing maniacally]
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7 days remain...
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[A local ice rink/stadium. Eggman bursts in with guns drawn.]
Eggman [yelling maniacally]: OKAY! HOCKEY PRACTICE IS OVER, BOOYYYZZZ!!!
Little Girls' Hockey Team: But we're girls--
[The little girls start screaming as Eggman fires randomly upward (NOT at the girls, that would be cruel). Eggman thought ahead, and fired rounds that didn't reach the stadium's roof, so no collateral damage! The little girls scream and run off.]
Eggman [looking around]: This is PERFECT! The skating version of my life story couldn't possibly happen in a more fitting arena! ... I'm tearing this place down and making it bigger!
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[The repaired Halberd has just landed on Earth. They were following Kirby's Warp Star, because they wouldn't let Kirby onto the ship. Meta Knight and goons leave the ship and meet with Kirby, who looks a little angry.]
Kirby [angry]: Why couldn't you guys let me on your ship? It was freezing!
Meta-Axe [French/English goon]: You're not allowed on our ship, Kirby! Refer!
Meta-Chain [German/Russian goon]: STOP SAYING "REFER!" [tries killing Meta Axe with his mace]
Meta Knight [holding onto Chain, trying to calm him down]: Whoa, calm down, there, Chain. Stop killing your fellow goons! [to Kirby] I need new goons...
Meta-Lance [Australian goon]: Um, we heard ya, mate!
Meta Knight: I know--
Aeris [suddenly looming above Kirby and the Meta gang]: Hey, little heads with hands and feet! They're so cute!
Meta-Lance: Crikey! You're a bleemin' giant!
Kirby: We're only about the size of their headsAAH-- [gets snatched up, along with Meta Knight's goons, into Aeris's arms]
Aeris [to Sephiroth, who also suddenly appears with Cloud]: Sephy, Sephy, look! Can I keep them!? The pink one matches me!
Meta-Chain [to Meta Knight; struggling to break free]: Help us, sir!
Meta Knight [death glare to Sephiroth]: ... It's been a while, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Indeed, Meta Knight. [pulls out Masamune] But now, you DIE!!!
[Sephiroth and Meta Knight start to duel. Because of the fact that Sephiroth is like eight times Meta Knight's size, and Sephiroth's blade is about the same height as Sephiroth himself, the fight looks very odd as the relatively puny Meta Knight parries the Masamune and tries to counter. During the middle of the fight, however...]
Aeris [screaming]: OHMYGOD!!!
Sephiroth [turns to Aeris]: What's going on!?
Meta Knight [also turns]: What seems to be the prob--oh, no...
Cloud [turns; sounds annoyed; flails arms up in defeat]: Oh for the LOVE of--
Aeris [squealing]: AREN'T THEY CUTE!!?
[Kirby has a pretty red bow on his head, but looks very unenthused. Meta-Chain is in a frilly pink dress, Meta-Axe is wearing a tiara, and Meta-Lance has a prim and proper bow tie.]
Meta-Lance: Actually, I think I'm the only one here who can maintain their dignity, mate!
Kirby [annoyed]: Quiet, you!
Meta-Chain: I'M A PRETTY PRINCESS GOON!!! DAAAAAAAAAH!!!
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3 days remain...
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[Akuma has just arrived at Station Square somehow. He's about to check into a hotel, when suddenly a huge beast-dragon type thing descends and blows wind all about. Akuma stands his ground.]
Akuma: That's TEN things, no pun intended, that have tried to kill me today.
[Suddenly, from atop the beast-dragon thing...]
Davis [from Digimon; squeals when he speaks; as giddy as Aeris (almost); really, really dumb]: HI, AKUMA!!!
Akuma [holding forehead in hand]: Oh, dear GOD no, not Davis again...
Davis [still atop the beast, who is Imperialdramon]: HEY, AKUMA!!! WANNA GO SEE EGGMAN ON ICE WITH US? JOIN ME AND MY CREW!!!
Tai [also riding on Imperialdramon; annoyed]: Davis, enough! You have to stop saying "hi" to everyone we meet from up here, especially Akuma! Remember what he did to poor Joe?
Imperialdramon: Even I'M afraid of Akuma!
Akuma: You damn well better be! But I'm not in a killing mood, today. I have my own Eggman on Ice ticket, thanks. Now be on your way!
Davis [hops off of Imperialdramon]: Oh, c'mon, Akuma! Turn that frown upside--
Akuma [preparing a super move]: Messatsu--
Matt [on Imperialdramon]: FLY! FLY!!! [Imperialdramon flies away, leaving Davis to die]
Davis [not realizing the situation he's in; waving]: BYE!!! ... wait a minute--
Akuma [stops the move]: ... Fine, Davis, you can stay in my room tonight. [low, serious, deadly tone] But if you annoy me, even for a second, thy spirit shan't--
Davis [annoyingly interrupting; flails his arms in the air]: I CALL FIRST BEDSIES!!! [runs past Akuma into the hotel]
Akuma: ... Shit.
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[In an alley somewhere, Hotsuma (the new Shinobi) and Death: Beyond the Grave (Grave for short; he's from Gungrave) are having a very, um, intriguing conversation.]
Hotsuma [low voice]: So, Grave, how's things?
[Grave says nothing.]
Hotsuma: You got your Eggman on Ice ticket yet?
[Grave says nothing, but holds up two Eggman on Ice tickets.]
Hotsuma: You taking that Mika girl with the hot legs with you?
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma: Are you saying "yes" to taking her to Eggman on Ice or "yes" to her having hot legs?
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma: Yeah, I knew it was the legs.
[Juki and Shade (if you know the Triple Peeps, you know who these two Chao are) walk by.]
Juki [happy; cute]: Hi, Hotsuma! Can me and Shade come with you to Uncy Eggy on Ice?
Shade [happy; cute]: Yeah, we got tickets!
Juki: Wow, Hotsuma's a ninja!
Shade: I'm a ninja too!
Juki: No you're not!
Shade [angry]: No I'm NOT!!! [tackles and starts comically fighting with Juki]
Hotsuma [observing the Chao]: Looks like we're stuck with them.
[Grave says nothing, but nods.]
Hotsuma [picks up the two Chao and puts one on each of Grave's shoulders]: Let's go, everyone!
[Grave says nothing, but nods. He secretly likes cute things.]
Juki: Thank you!
Shade: You're a nice undead man!
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[Several days before the big event, Eggman is... sitting at home on his ass, doing nothing. We should let you know that he hasn't started the script yet. At ALL. The stadium is ready, the invites all sent out, ads are EVERYWHERE, and he's even been contacted by several of his friends (like Bowser and Il Palazzo) who are staying at Station Square's hotel for the event, but NO SCRIPT!]
Eggman [lazily sprawled on his sofa]: Oh, fuck! I have to get to that script! IT'S A LIVE FIVE-HOUR SHOW!!! WHAT AM I THINKING!? I'M RUINED!!!
[Suddenly, Sora (from Kingdom Hearts, NOT Digimon) appears in Eggman's living room holding the Keyblade.]
Sora [looks around, confused]: Where'd Donald and Goofy go?
Eggman [indifferent and mean]: Fuck if I know!!!
Sora [taken back a bit]: Um, where's the keyhole for this world?
Eggman [being a jackass]: My apartment? Door's to your right. Don't let it cripple you on the way out. [grabs a spare Eggman on Ice ticket] Here, kid, see my show. Now leave.
[Sora leaves after grabbing the ticket.]
Eggman: Back to the script! [Goes back to lazing on the sofa]
[Fourteen hours later...]
Eggman [hasn't switched position; unshaven]: I am so screwed. ... [light bulb appears over Eggman's head; Eggman breaks it] Of course!!!
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24 hours remain...
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[Akuma's hotel room...]
Akuma [notices bubbles coming out of the bathroom]: What the fuck?
[Akuma opens the door to find Davis taking a bubble bath with a) FAR too much bubble bath solution and b) a rubber ducky and a little battleship.]
Akuma [disgusted]: Dear... lord--
Davis [happy and squealing as usual]: HIYA! [shows off a ducky] He's the Captain! ... [shows off the battleship] Of the Battleship!
Akuma [grabs the ducky away]: This is what I think of your ducky! [Akuma squeezes as the ducky makes a squeak noise, then opens his palm to find it just snaps back to its original shape. Akuma, starting to lose it, rips the ducky in half.]
Davis [slightly sad]: Aw, you killed the captain! ... But that's okay! [Giddy again; salutes] Captain DAVIS is here! [Starts splashing water everywhere with his arms as he makes stupid noises] POW! BAM! SWSH! WHOOO!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!
Akuma [shakes head]: God, kill me now.
Davis: But you have so much to live for! [offers some suds] Want some bubbles?
[A few moments later, Davis (wearing nothing but a towel covering his, um, manhood) is running through the hotel halls, with Akuma in hot pursuit.]
Davis [panicking]: FINE, AKUMA, NEXT TIME, YOU'RE CAPTAIN!!!
Akuma: WHY DON'T YOU DIE!? STOP MOVING SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!
[Davis keeps running as he dodges the occasional Messatsu Gou Hadou and Tenma Gou Zankuu. Eventually, he loses Akuma and runs into none other than Sakura Kinomoto, just about to enter her own hotel room.]
Sakura [a little stunned because of Davis's towel]: Um, Davis! Um, hi--
Davis [happy]: HEY, IT'S YOU AGAIN! [turns on "pick-up voice"] How YOU doin'?
Sakura: Um, you're only wearing a towel--
Davis [interrupting; still sly]: So you noticed I'm only wearing a towel!
Shaoron [appears suddenly from behind Sakura]: Davis, I would kill you, but I think the man down the hall is about to!
Davis [turns around, sees Akuma about to shoot energy at our unsuspecting season 02 hero]: YIPES!!! CALL ME, BABE! [runs off, with a Gou Hadou in hot pursuit]
Shaoron [greeting Akuma as he runs by; bows]: Akuma.
Akuma [bowing slightly]: Shaoron.
Sakura: It's like everybody everywhere knows each other--
Bowser [yup, suddenly appears in the hotel hall]: Hey, you're Sakura, right?
Sakura [anime sweat drop; kind of scared]: Um, yes... who are you?
Bowser: I saw you at the house party Eggman threw... at your house. [offers his hand] I'm Bowser! Eggman's said many good things about you!
Il Palazzo [from behind Bowser]: Indeed. I am Il Palazzo, leader of the secret ideological organization of ACRO--um, er, a shopkeeper. Yes, I covered that up well.
Bowser [shaking hands with Sakura]: She heard ya, dude.
Il Palazzo [calmly]: ...Shit.
Pedro [Pedro's voice]: NOBODY HELPS PEDRO!!!
Sakura [stunned]: Mr. Pedro, is that you?
Pedro: Huh? Sakura? SAKURA!!! PLEASE, USE YOUR MAGIC TO BRING ME BACK TO MY SON SANDORA AND MY SEXY WIFE!!!
Sakura: I'd like to repay you for the time you helped me capture the Fly card, but I can't resurrect you, Mr. Pedro. I'm sorry. Although--
Pedro: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [gets Judo chopped in the back of the neck by Bowser]
Bowser: That ought to shut 'im up.
Sakura: Before I was interrupted, I was going to ask how he could possibly be dead if we can see him and hear him and stuff...
Il Palazzo [carrying Pedro]: Yes, the world is strange and the ignorant masses must be taught a lesson.
Sakura: By a shopkeeper?
Il Palazzo: ...Yes.
[Meanwhile, back at the bubble bath, the ripped rubber ducky...is back together? And... angry!?]
______________________________________________
[In his hotel room, Ky is resting on his bed, looking at the ceiling. He’s slightly worried because his hotel room has only one bed. It’s a rather spacious bed, mind you, but Ky’s the shy type, you see, and, well, Jam isn’t. So Ky decides...]
Ky [thinking out loud]: I think I’ll sleep on the armchair.
Jam [coming out of the bathroom wearing a rather... skimpy little evening gown]: What was that, Ky? I didn’t hear you because I just came out of my rather hot and steamy shower.
Ky [turning seventeen different shades of red; his voice suddenly sounds like he’s in the middle of puberty]: UM, I GOTTA SHOWER NOW! [runs past Jam like greased lightning]
Jam [happy; blushing slightly, as she likes Ky and knows what she’s doing to him]: Okay! Hurry up to bed after! You can be my blanket! Tee hee!
Ky [from inside the bathroom]: Dear god...
[After showering/sorting through his thoughts, Ky dries up, then realizes he forgot his change of clothes beside the bed. Muttering a slight curse under his breath, then cursing when he realized he cursed, then saying “darn,” he wrapped a towel around his down-there area (what’s with the towels in this fic?) and quietly opened the door to find that... Jam was standing up, looking through the night tables. Like a ninja, Ky dashed at his bag, grabbed it, then skillfully--]
Jam [appearing beside him]: Hey, you! Cute towel!
[Ky, shocked like hell that a) she suddenly appeared beside him and b) she was so close to him with little more than a thin layer of fabric between his skin and hers, lost his concentration and fell on top of her. They’re now on the bed, Jam on the bottom, laughing, and Ky on top, unable to move out of MORTAL FEAR.]
Ky [wide-eyed; trying hard not to look at Jam, but failing]: Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, I’msosorry!
Jam [smiling seductively; pretending to pout]: Awww, how come?
[Suddenly, who should burst through the door but the hotel bellhop... Supa Fly, aka Majere? (SHAMELESS PLUG: Majere’s a fanfiction.net author in our special thanks and our friend since like, forever; go read his stuff.)]
Supa Fly [half-Cartman; half-wannabe-hipster]: Whoa, Supa Fly shouldn’t be seein’ this! There’s some hot ‘n’ heavy action heeyah! [pulls out a DO NOT DISTURB door handle thingy and hangs it] Now, Supa Fly ain’t wantin’ you disturbin’ this here Do Not Disturb sign!
Ky [still cherry-red]: Um, we won’t be needing that--
Supa Fly [interrupting]: Sure, whatever, Supa Fly doesn’t care! Now you kids have fun, or Supa Fly’ll be kickin’ asses to and fro’! Now, Supa Fly has to deliver this champagne to a giant turtle! Chill! Get it? [leaves; closing the door behind him]
[Ky looks down to Jam; he’s still in shock. Jam smiles back.]
Jam [slightly seductive]: Now you’re not going to let that sign go to waste, are you?
[What happens next? Sorry, but we’ve got a scene change here!]
______________________________________________
12 hours remain...
______________________________________________
[The big day has finally arrived, and Eggman is being interviewed outside the re-built stadium--being shown live on television for some reason, by the way--by none other than Ran Hibiki of Rival Schools infamy. Her supposed brother--but maybe not--Dan Hibiki is the cameraman.]
Ran [being her normal, opportunistic, energetic, happy-go-lucky self]: Eggman, the myth, the legend! Soon this famous doctor's life story will be shown in this gripping skating twirling narrative of an ice show! We are fortunate today to be able to interview, one on one, the rotund one himself! [to Eggman] Thank you for your time, Dr. Eggman.
Eggman: Please, call me Dr. Eggman. And take back the "rotund" remark.
Ran [mentally perturbed, but not showing it]: Eggman--may I call you Eggman?
Eggman: Whatever turns you on, sweet cheeks.
Ran [looks confused for a moment]: Um, anyway, there's a ton of questions that the average Joe has wanted to ask you, Eggman. First, how old are you?
Eggman: Next question.
Ran: Are you Russian?
Eggman: That's a lie and you know it!
Ran: What do you use on your mustache?
Eggman: Mustache? [feels his mustache with his fingers] OH, this thing... Next question.
Ran: Were you popular in school?
Eggman: Yes, actually! [pulls out yearbook] This was me! [Shows a picture of a really handsome, well-built young man with orange hair and pitch black sunglasses.]
Ran [drooling a bit]: Um, that's not you!
Eggman: Look at the name, honey muffin. [The camera pans in to see the text under the photo: Valedictorian, star athlete, and all-around decent role model for our children, Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik.]
Ran [still in disbelief]: You were a doctor in high school!?
Eggman: Next question.
Ran: Um, why the name "Eggman?"
Eggman: I like eggs. Don't you? Next question.
Ran: So where did you get the inspiration for Eggman on Ice?
Eggman [getting contemplative]: Well, thunder thighs [NOTE: Ran isn't at all fat], I was sitting in the park one day watching some birdies eat. As I rained blows down upon them, I sez to myself, "Ivo, why the hell isn't there an ice show about your life yet, you sexy bitch?" Six months later, while eating some fat, I decided to do it!
Ran: Very rarely do we see the subject of an ice show play himself. Eggman on Ice will be about your life story then, right?
Eggman [almost laughing]: Fuck that! I'm just going to do random shit on ice and pass it off as my life! Many people will pop up, playing themselves just like me!
Ran: Really? Like who?
Eggman: That will be a surprise--
Dan [pointing the camera so the lens faces him]: SAIKYO-RYUU STYLE RUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLEESS!!!
Eggman [to Ran; again, Ran's not fat in the least]: A question for you, chubs. Are you two actually related?
Ran: We honestly don't know.
Sonic [with friends/Cronies; walks up to Eggman]: Okay, Eggman, why'd we need to be here six hours early?
Eggman: Good, Sonic, you're here! Get inside: you, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, Amy, and fat-ass Ran here are my main actors/skaters!
Sonic: Fine, whatever--[realizes what was said]: WWWWWWWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?
Eggman [laughing]: Yeah, I guess I should have told you or something, eh? HAHAHAHA! [dead serious] I hope you can all skate.
Amy [raising hand]: Um, I can't skate--
Eggman [commander voice]: Tails, teach Amy how to skate.
Tails [knowing that this presents the chance for Tails to look up Amy's dress several times as she stumbled]: Yes, sir! C'mon, Amy, let's go!
Shadow [oblivious]: I'll help too!
Knuckles [with rap crew]: We'll supervise and chaperone and such.
[Tails gives Shadow and Knuckles the Glare of Death (tm).]
Sonic: Eggman, before we're forced to embarrass ourselves, and not protest simply because we're bored and really have nothing BETTER to do than skate in your ice show, I have a question.
Eggman: Next question.
Sonic: You seem to know everyone in existence, Eggman. Are you like Nabeshin or something?
Eggman [very confused]: ... What's a Nabeshin?
Sonic [thinking]: Hmm, I see... [calling] HEY, NABESHIN, GET OVER HERE!
Nabeshin [appearing from out of a bush in all his afro glory; smooth talker, and quite charismatic (if you don't know, he's from Excel Saga)]: Yo, Sonic, my main man! What's happenin'?
Sonic: Do you know this gentleman by the name of Dr. Eggman?
Nabeshin [cupping chin]: An egged... man? Sorry, Sonic, that doesn't ring a bell.
Eggman [to Nabeshin]: Hey, I don't think I know you! Name's Dr. Ivo Robotnik, but keep yourself alive by calling me "Eggman."
Nabeshin: 'Sup? Name's Nabeshin. And it seems as if I now know everyone ever, since I finally met you.
Eggman: Really? See, I've heard of everyone EXCEPT you. But now, I DO know you, so now, we're TIED!!!
Nabeshin [cocking an eyebrow and smiling]: Alright, then, Eggman, I propose a competition. You have a lot of people coming to Eggman on Ice tonight, right? As you greet some of the people coming, we'll see how many we know. And we CAN'T lie about it, either.
Eggman [anime gleam crosses his sunglasses]: You're on, my newfound friend. [shakes hands with Nabeshin, then laughs like Tomoyo] HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Nabeshin [to Sonic]: Um, he's creeping me out.
Sonic: Yeah, I figured--
Eggman: YOU THERE, HIRED HELP!!! GET GOING!!! [whips Sonic with a whip]
Sonic: OW!!! [thinks] HIRED!? THAT MEANS PAY, RIGHT?
Eggman [low serious tone]: Don't make me whip you again.
Ran [looking at her reflection in a window]: I'm not fat...
[We should mention that the camera's been rolling this whole time. And who should see all of this except...]
______________________________________________
[...Geese's group, including Rock, Hotaru, a mentally disturbed Terry, and the ever jubilant Roy.]
Roy [looking at a TV in a store window, just saw the "interview"]: Wow, what interesting people! Dr. Eggman's still got the old charm, I see! I can't wait to see that ice show! [blatant foreshadowing alert] I wonder if I'll run into any old friends...
Geese [being his pompous ass self]: C'MON, GANG, WE'LL TAKE THE BUS! IT'S CHEAPER THAN MY SEVERAL PERSONAL LIMOS!!!
Rock [yelling at Geese]: DAMMIT, DAD, IT DOESN'T MATTER! I BET YOU ALREADY CALLED THE BUS, AND WHEN IT GETS HERE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET ON AND SAY [imitating Geese] "ALRIGHT, PEOPLE, EVERYONE OUT! AND DRIVER, STEP ASIDE, CAUSE I'M DRIVING UP IN THIS BEEYOTCH!" [end imitation] I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I!?
Geese [patting Rock on the shoulder]: HAHAHA, EXCELLENT PLAN, ROCK! [the bus comes by] C'MON, ROCK'S GIRLFRIEND, LADIES FIRST!!!
Rock: SHE HAS A *NAME*, DAD!!! SHE'S NOT AN ANIMAL!!!
Hotaru [gently nudging Rock's arm and speaking to him softly]: That's okay, Rock. I don't have to have a name if it makes you fight with your father--
Geese [playfully elbowing Rock's ribs]: Heh, I bet she's an animal in bed, though, eh, Rocko boy?
Rock [turns five different shades of red; yelling desperately]: DAD!!! SHUT UP!!!
Geese [patting Hotaru's head]: Heh, you'll have a fine honeymoon with my son!!!
Hotaru [also heavily blushing]: Um, Mr. Howard, that's not appropriate right now, and the bus is driving away--
Geese: THE HELL IT IS!
[Geese runs in front of the bus, plants his feet, and... stops the bus with his bare hands. Then, he uses his Shinkuu Nage (the 360 arm motion Taichi-style throw) to throw the bus about half a block away. People run out of it screaming.]
Geese: DAMN, GEESE, YOU STILL GOT IT!
Terry [a little angry]: You could've killed people, Howard!
Geese: Oh, go cry on your father's shoulder!
Terry [sobbing]: But he's DEAD! [points] YOU KILLED HIM! [runs off crying]
Geese: DON'T FORGET EGGMAN ON ICE TONIGHT, TANYA!!!
Terry [yelling back]: MY NAME IS TERRY, AND I'M A MAN!!! [disappears around a corner]
Geese [doesn't speak for a moment after looking at the bus, then..]: ... ROCK, WHATSERFACE, AND ROY, I'M CALLING ONE OF MY LIMOS!!!
Rock [vein in forehead; suppressing murderous rage]: Urge to kill own father... rising exponentially...
Roy [jubilant as always]: Wow. Now THIS is interesting!
______________________________________________
7 hours remain...
______________________________________________
[Near the stadium, an orange dress-clad green-haired mysterious figure is thinking out loud...]
Farah [slightly crazy]: I can't believe it's finally going to happen! I can't believe I'm finally going to kill Eggman! [crazy laugh] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Reid [usual self; seemingly unaffected by Farah's, um, condition]: Um, Farah, can we go down now?
Max: YEAH!!!
Meredy: Meredy still didn't get Quickie back...
Max: YEAH!!!
Keele: If you're stupid, say YEAH really loud.
Max: SIIIIII!!!
[Keele slaps his forehead in disgust.]
Hotsuma [suddenly appears beside Farah]: Are you also going to see Eggman on Ice?
Farah [surprised]: AH! A ninja? [sees Grave] A gun zombie? [sees Mika, the woman with Grave] A... woman? Actually, that's normal. [sees the Chao] And what are those things?
Juki: We're not things! We're Chao!
Shade: Yeah, I'm glad I said that!
Juki: No I DIDN'T!!!
[Grave says nothing, but thinks the Chao are cute, so he pets them.]
Farah [charmed by the Chao]: Wow, after looking at those cute things, I almost don't want to kill Eggman anymore. I still WILL kill Eggman, but I won't make him suffer as much.
Juki: Lady's kinda scary...
Shade: Eggman's nice when you get to know him!
Hotsuma: You're going to try and assassinate Eggman? Young lady, I don't know what you think you know, but Eggman is a master of ninjutsu, taught to him by the famous original Shinobi, Joe Musashi, who'll ALSO be at Eggman on Ice.
Farah [smirking]: Ha, yeah right! That lard ass couldn't pull off any sort of ninjutsu technique--
Eggman [suddenly appears next to Farah]: Hi, Farah!
Farah [jumps 10 feet in the air, then turns to Eggman]: YOU!!! HOW'D YOU SNEAK UP ON ME?
Eggman: Ninjutsu, how else? [disappears in an explosion of smoke]
Farah [shocked]: Wow, that's... surprising. And it seems as if Eggman has allies for some reason. Hmm, I better re-think my Eggman killing plan... [looks at the floor and spies a set of keys with an Eggman-insignia key chain] Heh heh heh, perfect...
______________________________________________
6 hours remain...
______________________________________________
[The big night has arrived. Eggman, in his normal outfit, is greeting the many guests that have shown up and are waiting in the newly designed stadium's mezzanine. Nabeshin, in a tux, is also helping out his new friendly rival Eggman, and also pointing out people he knows but thinks that Eggman doesn't.]
Eggman [to a bandaged up Joe from Digimon]: Hey, Joe, good to see you! How's the Akuma-beating recovery coming?
Joe [trying to be optimistic]: Well, I *did* survive after all. I just live life one day at a time. Having only 75% of my original mobility isn't SO bad.
Nabeshin: That's Joe Kido. His Digimon is Gomamon.
Eggman: I know who he is! Remember, Akuma trashed him and mauled his little Digimon pet?
Joe [crying]: EXCUSE ME I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE! [runs]
Eggman: Maybe he won't run into Akuma.
Vectorman [from behind Eggman and Nabeshin]: Eggman, Nabeshin, hello. Where's the freaking washroom?
Eggman: You're a robot, you don't need it!
Vectorman: Very well. I just wanted to be more human. Word. [walks off to chat up some ladies]
Eggman: Apparently, Nabeshin, you know Vectorman as well-- [sees Sora Takenouchi from Digimon (henceforth known as Sora T.)] HEY, SORA! DIDN'T YOU READ THE SIGN? [Eggman points to a sign saying "NO SORA'S ALLOWED!!!"]
Sora T. [dressed in a black gown thing, holding Matt's arm]: But, but you let in Sora from Kingdom Hearts!
Sora [walking in to the mezzanine as this is all happening; wearing his normal outfit]: Hey, Eggman, where's your bathroom?
Eggman: Down the hall that way. [to Sora T.] The sign says no SOR-RUZ. I'm allowed to have one!
Sora T. [angry]: But I was here first!!!
Eggman: Then I just don't like you! Go fuck Matt, you Tai-betraying harpy!
Sora T. [angry]: FINE!!! LET'S GO, MATT!!!
Matt [unmoving]: Um, sorry babe, but I wanna see Eggman on Ice.
Sora T. [near tears]: BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!
Tai: Sorry, Sora. Just like you did to me, Matt used you for sex!
Matt [cocky]: You weren't even that good! HAHAHA [he and Tai laugh away and give each other a high five, as Sora T. leaves in shame]
&nbs