EGGMAN COMMERCIALS VOLUME ONE

 

A triple team production by:

 

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

 

Judge Neusy:  DISCLAIMER:  Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission.  All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

 

CMA:  Before we begin, we need to get some blatant self-advertising out of the way.

 

Our site:  http://members.shaw.ca/c.alex

 

Our stories:

 

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COMMERCIAL

 

Eggman:  Good people, I am here to talk to you about the five food groups:  fat, intense fat, chocolate fat, creamy dairy diarrhea fat, and cheese.  You have to balance these out with your everyday meals!  Don't listen to those "eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day" losers.  Humbug!  Watch!  [points to Little Boy C (A & B are in next Cronies)]  Little boy, what are you eating?

 

Little Boy C [cute voice]:  A cookie!

 

Eggman:  That isn't ENOUGH!  You have to add some fat to that, then have some beer!

 

Little Boy C:  But my mommy tells me--

 

Eggman [angry]:  DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO WHAT YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU!?

 

Little Boy C:  But I'm five--

 

Eggman [about to smack him]:  GET OUT OF HERE!

 

[Little Boy C runs off crying]

 

Eggman [hollering after him]:  VOTE FOR EGGMAN!  [faces screen]  Remember, kids, don't do milk!

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

 

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COMMERCIAL

 

[Eggman is in a Chao Garden taking care of Shade for Shadow.]

 

Eggman [petting Shade]:  Stupid Shadow, going to see Asterix vs. Dr. Evil 2000 without me!  That son of a--

 

Shade [sitting down]:  Hey, Eggman, tell me a story!

 

Eggman:  What? [looks down]  Are you still here?  Fine.  There once was a boy named, um, Gertrude.  He had to go save his ho in the Woods of Obscurity.  Yes, that'll do!

 

Shade:  What a stupid name:  Eggman! [giggles] Keep going!

 

Eggman [angry]:  Why you little... [continues] So, anyway, Gertrude had to save his ho from the evil, um, Sonic the Hedgehog.  Yes, perfect!  But to understand why, you need to know how Sonic and Eggman--er, Gertrude first met.  Go back a few years, and you'll see how Sonic unleashed his evil plan to take over the forest.  [looks at his wristwatch]  The end!

 

Shade [cute but disappointed voice]:  But what about Gertrude's ho?  Did she live?

 

Eggman [leaving]:  What are you talking about?  Oh, right, the story.  She was saved by, um, oh confound it all I need another name... [thinking]  Eggman!

 

Shade:  Wow, you saved her?  Cool!  Can I meet her?

 

Eggman:  Mmm, no.

 

Shade:  Oh, okay!  Heh, Eggman, what a dumb name!

 

Eggman:  I'll have you know, my REAL name is Dr. Ivo Robotnik!

 

Shade:  Um [tries to pronounce it] Dr. Ivy Ro-bo-tink!  [starts giggling uncontrollably]

 

Eggman:  These commercials are getting lamer and lamer...

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

 

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COMMERCIAL

 

Eggman:  Hello, good people, I am Dr. Eggman!  And I want you to come to THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH!  Better than that whore Jamie Salle and that pussy-whipped David Pelletier!  This is EGGMAN... ON ICE!!!

 

[Cut away to a clip from the show.  Eggman is skating around in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt.  Some hot female backup skaters are skating around too.]

 

Eggman:  ♪♫ I am Dr. Eggman! ♪♫

 

Backup Skaters:  ♪♫ He is Dr. Eggman! ♪♫

 

Eggman:  ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫

 

Backup Skaters:  ♪♫ EGGMAN! ♪♫

 

Eggman [singing really fast]:  ♪♫ DOCTORIVOROBOTNIKAKADOCTOR EGGMAN!!! ♪♫

 

[Back to the commercial]

 

Eggman:  There's going to be lots of gliding across the ice, skating into the air, and so forth.  With a special appearance from whoever the hell Knuckles's rap crew is!

 

[Cut away to a clip from the show.  Knuckles's rap crew, dressed in baggy jeans, suggestive shirts, and baseball caps with Knuckles-style plastic dreads are skating and singing.]

 

Rap Band:  ♪♫ Yo Yo Yo, we're the fighting freak Knuckles, and we on ICE! ♪♫

 

[Back to the commercial]

 

Eggman:  If you want to see more if this, you're going to have to BEG!  See EGGMAN... ON ICE!!!  Coming soon to a fanfic near you!  [shakes head in disgust]  I think I've lost my touch.  I hate advertising, now.

 

Announcer [catchy jingle]:  ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>

 

[AUTHORS' NOTE]

 

Grand Master Shoma:  The preceding commercial speaks the truth:  there will be Eggman... ON ICE in the near future!  GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAL!!!

 

[END AUTHORS' NOTE]

 

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Three commercials... triple the... commercials... yeah...