How the Baconman Stole Christmas
A Simple Carol By: Shadow the Hedgehog 2099

T’was the night before the night before Christmas* and all through the Empire,
Stirred but two insomniacs sitting by a roaring fire.
T’was none other than Shadow the Hedgehog and Dr. Eggman,
Who grumbled about holiday rushes and sub-par yams.

“What we need,” the evil doctor beamed, “Are some hot, girl elves!”
Shadow shook his head, “I have one—we could find better ways to entertain ourselves,”
“Well then!” Eggman grinned, “What do you suggest?”
Shadow sneered, “Bah, you should give it a rest!”

But up above the dimly lit Empire,
Sat a lanky, angry man with a fierce ire†,
Standing on the edge of Mt. Pig,
An evil plan, Dr. Baconman did rig.

“Those foolish EE-ers! In all their Christmas joys and delights,
Forgot that this one politically incorrect night of nights,
Would be their end, for I have come to administer their deathblow!
So, you sorry suckers, look out below!”

Dr. Baconman with a laugh so grim,
Which sadly enough, perfectly fit him,
Began to create a pair of St. Nick pants,
And a whole suit to accompany his insane rants.

“With this suit I can slip down tomorrow night undetected,”
Dr. Baconman grinned, “And take down the decorations they erected!
But before Christmas gets the nasty ax,
I’ll be taking away their girlfriends, while wearing these very slacks!”

In no time at all, with a simple snicker-snack‡,
Dr. Baconman arrived with a Santa suit and an empty sack!
Into the night he took off like a shot,
Thinking of all the evil there was to be wrought.

With him there, he headed up eight mechanical reindeer,
And with them he hoped to impose nothing but fear.
“On Crusher, on Hunter, on Meteor, and Laser!
On Mauler, on Blader, on Comet and Taser!”

With a maniacal cackle, he leaped down below,
Onto a beautiful, glistening roof buried by snow,
And with his thin, wiry frame,
The evil doctor began his ambitious claim to fame.

One house was Fiona’s; the next was Sera’s,
There was no one in the Empire safe from that terror,
He kidnapped those girls and threw them in bags,
Tied by the legs and hands and bound with gags.

Dr. Baconman, quite satisfied with his work,
Took off back to Mt. Pig with the girls in tow—because he’s still a big jerk.
He then left a threatening note in the den,
Of Eggman and Shadow, who were sleeping by then.

The next day, Christmas Eve, rolled right on around,
And Eggman was the first to find the note on the ground,
“Come and find me you foolish dorks!
I’ll give you a hint—it’s a mountain of pork!”

“Mountain of Pork?” Eggman hummed, “Could it be Mt. Pig?”
Shadow whimsically chimed, “Bah, let us go and dig!”
In no time at all, the two heroes were there,
And saw their fair maidens caged in by steel and despair.

“So, you chose to come and fight me?” Baconman laughed,
“Very well—meet your ends by my wrath!”
“Bah,” Shadow exclaimed
But Eggman rebuked him, “There are ladies present, don’t be profane!”

Baconman taunted them, “Shadow, all you say is ‘bah’, are you some kind of sheep?
Don’t you know I have your girlfriend, upon whom you loved to peep?”
Shadow gasped and shouted in reply, “It’s time for you to say Ta-ta,
Cuz’ I’m gonna kick your butt and I’m still gonna say ‘Bah’!”

Baconman pointed at them and said, “I’ve had enough of this talk,
It’s time you put up your dukes and fight like a peacock!”
Eggman lifted a brow and said, “Your insults are bad, your plans are worse,
But I don’t think I’ve ever heard a come-back as bad as that verse!”

So, the battle ignited at the waking of sunrise,
And moved on until the methods to terrorize
Were completely destroy by the hands of our two heroes,
And Dr. Baconman was reduced to the status of a zero.

Then, with a stroke of brilliance, the two conquerors used their minds as one,
And formed a plan to use Baconman’s machine after the setting of the sun,
To take flight over the dark world to deliver Santa Claus’ load,
Over the EE and well onto the sky bound road.

So, all in one night, Shadow and Eggman delivered the toys,
To all the good gentile girls and boys,
And Eggman’s plan worked like he said it would at twelve,
And the two returned to the empire in two with two, scantily dressed elves!

--The End!

*- That would be the 23rd of December
†- Anger or wrath
‡- Random reference to Lewis Carroll’s “Jabberwocky”